Bitter Sweet

Those friends of mine who are TTC will understand this. Those that aren't never will. That's ok. I wish that no one would have to understand it.

One of My Love's co-workers just had their first baby. That is to say, the co-workers wife had the baby, not the co-worker himself. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, really, I am. However, it doesn't make it any easier for me to walk away and not feel...reflective. Had we not lost our baby last November I would be eight months preggers by now.

Knowing me, I would have packed my bag of mid wife supplies a month ago. I'd have arrangements for the kids ready and most (if not all) items bought and carefully cataloged. Double checking that I would have everything possibly needed, most of which I wouldn't need at all. (chuckle) I'm a little neurotic about that kind of thing.

We went to the hospital to see the baby... I mean congratulate the parents... and she was so darling... She was just the same size as my son when he was born and the memories just came flooding in. Unfortunately, with the joy of those memories come the pain of them as well. Knowing that I didn't want to get a tubal, but doing it anyway, is the biggest mistake of my entire life... bar none. Those that know me can attest to the fact that that is saying a lot! (insert another sad chuckle)

It makes me wonder what would have been. Would we still only have three kids? Or would we have more?? Would I be totally over whelmed by it, or would I be the mother I always wanted to be?? Patient, quiet, all knowing... mostly patient.... I don't know, probably not. I would probably still be me with all my faults and failures. I guess I'll never know. At least not on this side of Heaven.


TTFN,
BigMness