losing a piece of myself...

Some of you may know that I have been "charting" for well over a year now. Some of you may not. Most of you are probably wondering what the heck "charting" is. I'll tell you...charting is when you wake up at 4am (for me) every morning and take your temperature before you even open your eyes. Then you keep track of that and a couple of other bodily clues. From these things you can tell when you are going to ovulate, that you have ovulated, and when AF is going to show up at your door. Very useful information when you are actively trying to have a baby.

This past month, I had a very long LP (luteal phase) which would indicate an impending BFP. While I tried not to get excited, I couldn't help myself. Ok, ok, I got really excited. Imagine my dismay when AF finally did show up! Initially I was afraid that I could be miscarrying so I asked God what I should do. Do I go to the hospital? Do I stay home? Not five minutes later my Dr calls (two days early) and tells me that my latest blood work was negative, meaning no baby.

Well, that answers that question. (Thanks for letting me know God, that's a load off!) Great, now I can just be bummed about the fact that it didn't happen for us again this month. I am running out of patience. Never mind the fact that we've only been trying for two months! I'm a winner and winners get it right the first time! (yeah right)

Has God ever "talked" to you? If He has, then you'll understand what I'm about to say next. If He hasn't (or you weren't listening) then you'll probably think of calling the loony bin about having me admitted. So I...?feel?...God telling me, "It's ok. It isn't time yet." Miraculously, I feel better about the whole situation. I mean that, I really did/do feel that way.

Now I come to the losing a piece of myself part. Remember where I said that I've been charting for over a year? Well, I really am feeling lead to stop. To just throw out the thermometer and give it all up to God. After all, He's in charge of it anyway right? Right. The problem is...it's a part of who I am. I just found a wonderful community of ladies that are TTC right along with me. Should I give them up to? What am I gonna do with myself a 4am everyday? Sleep?

It's not a question of whether or not I'll stop charting. God is leading me there, I'm gonna go. I'm just feeling a little sad over it, that's all. Like I'm passing out of a phase of my life that I'll never have again. I'm giving up the "control" I've felt like I had even though it was never mine to begin with. That's not an easy thing for most people, and I'm no exception.

So, here I go. I'm stepping out in faith. Giving up my control and handing it over to God, willingly. Will we have a baby? I really have faith that we will. Could I be wrong? Absolutely! I do not pretend to know the mind of God. Will I be a basket case over the next couple of months? That has yet to be seen, but I don't think it will be any worse than usual!

TTFN,
Me

Unbelievable!!

The bank screwed up the deposit I made and over drafted me last week which incurs a fee. I called the bank and the lady said to go ahead and transfer my money back to my savings and she would reverse the fee. Great! So that's what I did.

FF to today. I check my account and....get this... they charged me to transfer money out of my savings, to cover them transferring money into my savings. What?!?! Ugh. I'm to tired for this crap. Now I'm still out the fee. It made my brain hurt just to look at the cluster they created. You can bet I'll be calling them first thing tomorrow.

I think I'm going to start looking onto a different bank. We went to this one because their customer service was outstanding. Since then their standards have lowered and now....not so much. They charge me $7 every month because my employer doesn't have direct deposit, and if I don't have X amount in savings they charge me for that as well every month. I do get free checks but we haven't used half a box in the three years we've had an account with them. Gee, free checks, or free checking? Not hard to do the math on that one!

OK blog land. I'm tired and I need to restif I'm going to be able to watch the season premiere of House tonight.


TTFN,
ME

Hey you Myspacers!!!

A friend turned me onto the game "Dragon Wars". It's pretty cool! If you want to, you can "join My Alliance" and join in the fun too! Here is a link to my space. I hope you join, and if you do, good luck to you! I've got your back!


ME

That was fast!

Just an update...Turns out our FES was a wee bit highfalutin. Seems she felt that our house was not big enough for her and her daddy pulled strings high up to move her to a "big" house. Se la vie She'll figure out what we already know. That bigger doesn't mean happier. Unfortunately she is going to be miserable at the other house. To late now though "cause she's not coming back here. I'll bet she's back in Germany by the end of next week. S, if you read this (which I doubt) we wish you the best of luck.


Me