Some of you may know that I have been "charting" for well over a year now. Some of you may not. Most of you are probably wondering what the heck "charting" is. I'll tell you...charting is when you wake up at 4am (for me) every morning and take your temperature before you even open your eyes. Then you keep track of that and a couple of other bodily clues. From these things you can tell when you are going to ovulate, that you have ovulated, and when AF is going to show up at your door. Very useful information when you are actively trying to have a baby.
This past month, I had a very long LP (luteal phase) which would indicate an impending BFP. While I tried not to get excited, I couldn't help myself. Ok, ok, I got really excited. Imagine my dismay when AF finally did show up! Initially I was afraid that I could be miscarrying so I asked God what I should do. Do I go to the hospital? Do I stay home? Not five minutes later my Dr calls (two days early) and tells me that my latest blood work was negative, meaning no baby.
Well, that answers that question. (Thanks for letting me know God, that's a load off!) Great, now I can just be bummed about the fact that it didn't happen for us again this month. I am running out of patience. Never mind the fact that we've only been trying for two months! I'm a winner and winners get it right the first time! (yeah right)
Has God ever "talked" to you? If He has, then you'll understand what I'm about to say next. If He hasn't (or you weren't listening) then you'll probably think of calling the loony bin about having me admitted. So I...?feel?...God telling me, "It's ok. It isn't time yet." Miraculously, I feel better about the whole situation. I mean that, I really did/do feel that way.
Now I come to the losing a piece of myself part. Remember where I said that I've been charting for over a year? Well, I really am feeling lead to stop. To just throw out the thermometer and give it all up to God. After all, He's in charge of it anyway right? Right. The problem is...it's a part of who I am. I just found a wonderful community of ladies that are TTC right along with me. Should I give them up to? What am I gonna do with myself a 4am everyday? Sleep?
It's not a question of whether or not I'll stop charting. God is leading me there, I'm gonna go. I'm just feeling a little sad over it, that's all. Like I'm passing out of a phase of my life that I'll never have again. I'm giving up the "control" I've felt like I had even though it was never mine to begin with. That's not an easy thing for most people, and I'm no exception.
So, here I go. I'm stepping out in faith. Giving up my control and handing it over to God, willingly. Will we have a baby? I really have faith that we will. Could I be wrong? Absolutely! I do not pretend to know the mind of God. Will I be a basket case over the next couple of months? That has yet to be seen, but I don't think it will be any worse than usual!
TTFN,
Me
2 comments:
WTG BigM. I think you are making a wise choice. Sometimes we can try too hard witch prevents us from accomplish what we want. Leave it all to God and I know he will do what is best.
Good for you Sharon! It is hard for us to let go of control isn't as if to say we ever had any to begin with! I'm right laong there with ya babe! I miscarried last year and my hubby and I both feel our clock's ticking. It's been a year and nothin, no baby or even close calls! Just when i was getting ready to have the nerve to question the Lord, he gave me my answer. We now have temporary custody of my two year old niece due to some bad ongoing choices of my brother. God's awesome isn't He? He knows exactly what we need when we need it and I guess a baby for us just isn't in the cards right now and that's okay with me! Good luck in your new leap you're taking!
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