The Philosophy of Ambiguity

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

ROFLMBO!!

Balloonist and Fisherman


A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She
lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and
replies,'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately
30 feet above ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 49 degrees,14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a
Conservative!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist,
'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I
have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a
Liberal'. 'I am,' replies the balloonist.
'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know
where you are or where you're going. You've risen to
where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you
expect me to solve your problem.

You're in exactly the same predicament you were
before we met, but, somehow, it's now my fault.



Brazilian

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning.



They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .



To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken,

almost in tears.



Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of

billion or trillion either.


}Thank you MML at Prepwise for making me pee myself!!{

TTFN
Me

I Will Survive!!

An internet friend of mine from a board I frequent posted this and said I could add it here. Thanks HeartforHome!!


Originally written and produced by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris
Originally performed by Gloria Gaynor
Mercilessly altered with apologies by Natalie Criss

First I was afraid
I was petrified.
Kept thinking I could never teach
’Cause I’m not certified.
But we spent so many nights
Reteaching homework that was wrong.
I grew strong,
so now I teach my kids at home!
We study math
and outer space.
I just kept on despite the fear
with a big smile across my face.
I bought a set of Base Ten blocks.
I bought books with answer keys.
My parents think we’re nuts,
but they don’t even bother me

Come on, let’s go walk out the door.
We’re on the road now,
'cause we’re not home much anymore
My friends would laugh and say we’d be unsocialized.
I heard one mumble
that I’d give up by July.
Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
As long as I know how to read
I know we’ll be alright.
I've got all my life to learn.
I've got energy to burn.
and I'll survive.
I will survive.

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart.
Decided to attend
a play date at the local park,
and I met oh so many moms
who offered eagerly to help.
They used to cry.
Now they hold their heads up high,
and so do we!
My kids are cool!
They’re not those chained up little people
stuck inside at school.
So if you feel like dropping by
and just expect us to be free
you’d better call ahead first
’cause we’re probably busy!

The Doctors Appointment

This was posted in one of the forums I frequent and it is so good, I had to pass it on!!

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman
alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9: 30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8: 45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any
time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be
able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that
was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area
to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called
in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it." NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

The Bible, begining to end!!

The following is from a lady in Oregon . It is priceless! The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned.

This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me alight!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.



Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.


After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.



Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President).. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.



After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.



After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my Mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisee sand the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.



Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand!

Pastor's Business Card

>>
>> A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
>> seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
>> repeated knocks at the door. ?
>>
>> Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
>> back of it and stuck it in the door.
>>
>> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
>> card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
>>
>> Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
>> laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
>> knock."
>> Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice i n the garden and I was afraid
>> for I was naked."
>>
>> Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
>>
>> They still are! ? Pass it on
>>
>> "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)

Pastor's Business Card

>>
>> A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
>> seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
>> repeated knocks at the door. ?
>>
>> Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
>> back of it and stuck it in the door.
>>
>> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
>> card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
>>
>> Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
>> laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
>> knock."
>> Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice i n the garden and I was afraid
>> for I was naked."
>>
>> Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
>>
>> They still are! ? Pass it on
>>
>> "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)

The Stolen Car??

>
>
> A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
> Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
> thing, by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the > red
> light by accelerating through the intersection.
>
> The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in > frustration,
> as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her > cell
> phone and makeup.
>
> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up > into
> the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit > her
> car with her hands up.
>
> He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
> photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
> policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back > to
> the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
> belongings.
>
> He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind > your car
> while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, > and
> cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
> sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-
> School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the
> trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
>
> Ouch!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she like s me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & st ronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Homeschooling Family Find Ways to Adapt to a PS "Socialization"

I "found" this at the HSM4Christ link. I get asked this quiet a bit, and just HAD to lol!!


Homeschooling Family Find Ways to Adapt to a PS "Socialization"
Program:

"When my wife and I mention we are strongly considering home-
schooling our children, we are without fail asked, "But what about
socialization?" Fortunately, we found a way our kids can receive the same
socialization that government schools provide.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I will personally corner my son in the
bathroom, give him a wedgie and take his lunch money.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, my wife will make sure to tease our children for not being in the "in" crowd, taking special care to poke fun of any physical abnormalities.

Fridays will be "Fad and Peer Pressure Day." We will all compete to see who has the coolest toys, most expensive clothes and the loudest,
fastest and most dangerous car.

Every day, my wife and I will adhere to a routine of cursing and swearing in the hall and mentioning our weekend exploits with alcohol and immorality. If our kids attempt to use the bathroom without permission, we
will punish them immediately.

And we have asked them to report us to the authorities in the event we mention faith, religion or try to bring up morals and values."

The Woman and the Biker

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small
daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by
the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found
that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so
she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said,
"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked
their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't
know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a
beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was
desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said,"Yes,
my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication, and I
locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use
this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute
the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."


The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about
hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


Isn't GOD GOOD!

THE TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2008

THE TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2008

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind.
Sometimes when you don't have time to listen,
He has to throw a brick at you.

It's your choice: Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.

Tales From A Bathroom Stall

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned- 3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been
several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued:

'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her?

Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!'

'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!'

He started to gag at this point.

'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!'

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!'

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'

He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!'

I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)